I now Know..

This week has been one unlike any other. 

I now know what if feels like to be hit on by drunk 15 year olds. (we get hit on way more than I ever would have thought and it's SUPER awkward haha)

I now know what it feels like to be an outcast and hated

I now know what it feels like to come home more tired than ever before; emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I now know what it feels like to have an investigator drop you, and say "this isn't for me," two weeks before his baptism date

I now know what it feels like to willingly want to go through the hardest trial you have ever gone through over and over again if it would help but one person come closer to their Savior. 

I now know what it feels like to want to take someone's hardships away more than anything, and have them placed on yourself.

I now know what Nephi was talking about when he says, "For I pray continually for them by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night, because of them; and I cry unto my God in faith, and I know that he will hear my cry" (2 Nephi 33:3)

I now know what it must feel like for our Heavenly Father when we willingly decide to turn away from Him and sin. 

Yea, this week was crazy hard but I wouldn't undo it for anything. I am pretty sure we were hit with everything and every kind of trial physically possible for a missionary, But I also know I have grown so so SO much closer to my Savior than I ever have before, and because of that I wouldn't trade it for the world. There is a quote from Elder Holland that ran through my mind all week it is 

"I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him? It seems to me that missionaries and mission leaders have to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane. Missionaries and mission leaders have to take at least a step or two toward the summit of Calvary."

When we got that text from our sweet investigator saying he needed to tell us something and wanted to meet the next day my heart sank. I knew exactly where this was going and I knew instantly he didn't want apart of this anymore. Sister Ingold and I joked saying "So THIS is what it feels like when your boyfriend says 'we gotta talk' then he breaks up with you" haha it was a good thing we had ice cream cause we needed it. jokes. But seriously I don't think I will ever feel so much sorrow as I did in that moment.

The next morning I am pretty sure I spend 30 minutes praying/pleading through personal study wanting to know what to say to him that he might realized how much he personally needs this gospel. How much this gospel would and has already changed his life for the better. I opened my scriptures and started to read. As I continued to read something hit me. That if I am feeling like this right now with only knowing this person for 3 months how do you think our Heavenly Father feels when we willingly decide to sin. When we willingly turn our backs on Him and say "You know what you're saying is great for everyone else, but it's not for me." 

In that moment I gained an understanding so real and so true, of how much our Heavenly Father honestly and truly loves each one of us. He wants us to come back and live with Him. He wants us to have eternal joy and live with our families for all eternity. He wants us to one day be as He is. But in order to do so we have to follow the plan that he has already set up for us. 

When our investigator said he didn't want to be apart of this anymore. That it wasn't for him, at that point I literally wanted to stand up and shake him and say how wrong he was. How each and everyone of us need this gospel more than anything. I am sure that is how our Heavenly Father feels with us some time when we decide not to follow the path and he can see what our lives will be like without the blessing of keeping the commandments. Wow. I now know what it is like to want something so bad for someone but in the end have to realize that they have their agency to choose for themselves. I can only imagine how truly sorrowful our Beloved Heavenly Father is when we use our own agency to turn away from Him and the blessings that follow. 

I want y'all to know how much your Heavenly Father and Savior love you so much. They want the best for you and they want to see you with that eternal happiness and joy that we can have. That is why they ask us to do the things that we do. AHH! I seriously love this gospel and this church with everything that I am. I can't imagine my life without it and I want y'all to know how much I love my Savior. He truly is my best friend and I wouldn't trade that for everything. I am nowhere near perfect but through Him I can continue to work at it every day. 

LOVE YALL! and hope you have an amazing day!!(:

-Sister Wade